Aries: March 21- April 19

While you may have survived last month’s scare, Aries, your financial troubles will continue to flush any hopes of prosperity down the toilet this month. Continue devoting as much time as possible to your hard and miserable work. It won’t really help your monetary woes but at least it will distract you from your hopeless situation.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

The disdain your parents have for you will carry over into this month, Taurus, and likely into the foreseeable future. Even if it seemed like they ever cared for you, they never really did and this fact is what has led to your current relationship problems. You should consider purchasing and/or spending more time with a pet as this offers your only hope of experiencing true unconditional love.

Gemini: May 21- June 21

Loser (noun) 1. A contestant who loses the contest. 2. Failure: a person with a record of failing; someone who loses consistently. 3. A gambler who loses a bet … We could go on here, Gemini, but you get the picture. Your best bet is to enjoy vicarious success through others, but of course even your best bet promises disappointment so heavy drinking may be your only hope.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22

Your astrological sign says it all – See a doctor immediately!

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Unlike Cancer, your astrological sign says very little about you at all (unless we’re referring to the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz). Until you decide to stop your incessant sniveling and being a shameless cry-baby, people will continue to walk all over you, put you down and talk behind your back. Even if you change at this point, however, your reputation as a big sissy may be beyond repair.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

Love is in the air for you this month, Virgo. Unfortunately, what starts off as a transcendent, mind-blowing affair – accented by Love Joy and Giggles that you have not experienced for a long, long time – will ultimately lead you to the health clinic in an effort to cure the stew of sexually transmitted diseases your new (or old) love has spread throughout your private areas and beyond. At the same time, this will be your only hope for sex for the rest of the year so it may be worth the risk.

Libra  September 23 – October 22

The good news is there is a bright spot in your future. The bad news is that this bright spot will appear on the head of a massive boil that requires medical attention or on your actual head where your hair will begin (or continue) to fall out. Don’t fret, though – Next month looks much worse!

Scorpio  October 23 – November 21

Three words, Scorpio: Stay in bed. Your life has spiraled into such a meaningless morass of nothingness that it is likely no one will notice anyway.

Sagittarius  November 22 – December 21

Though you’ve never experienced it before, a strange and incurable allergy will strike you this month, Sagittarius. Possibly forcing your tongue to swell, this allergy will baffle doctors and make breathing extremely difficult if not impossible. It would be prudent to update your will and secure a large life insurance policy. If no beneficiaries, go crazy and spend all of your money yourself before the allergy strikes.

Capricorn  December 22 – January 19

It may seem like you’re happily day-dreaming this month, Capricorn, as everything seems to be going your way! But day-dreaming you are, perhaps because of a sharp blow to the head or some other cerebral trauma. Expect an unforeseen expense and general depression.

Aquarius  January 20 – February 18

If you don’t smoke or do hard drugs you may as well start now, Aquarius. While you may survive this next astrological cycle it won’t be pleasant, and even if you do go on to live a full life, that too promises to be miserable and full of heart break. All this to say, you’re going to die anyway so you may as well die of something you like.

Pisces  February 19 – March 20

Whether it’s a car accident, falling off a ladder or being confronted by vicious thugs, there’s just no way you can escape it this month, Pisces. If possible, stock up on frozen foods, double lock your doors and stay inside for the next several weeks. Yes, you have on-going bad luck but whatever you do, don’t blame yourself – It’s not your fault you were born.

*Suburban Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only! While we do our best to read the stars, planets and astrological signs (and listen to the things your neighbors tell us about you) the truth is – like other horoscope writers – we really don’t know what the hell we’re talking about.